Tag Archives: feelings

everything is ok

7 months with her,

then she got pregnant,

and hated me,

which i never understand why,

lack of love

i thought,

is the only answer for me to forget her,

but

not easy,

and my friend jack,

who i went to same uni,

same class,

did art together,

and smoked..

is now going to be a dad

in couple of hours,

the woman i was with

without thinking,

without speaking,

without hearing,

listening to me,

made her mind,

and had an operation,

now I’m at jacks,

he is in the hospital,

I’m drinking,

and waiting for death,

as usual,

he is waiting for the new life

to arrive..

and as i write this,

i remember the days

when we use to tell each other,

“man, one day we both going to have kids,

and you are going to be uncle jack”

and we use to laugh and move on,

now its happening,

father jack,

with her baby daughter,

and i am, thinking of the woman,

and my baby,

that I’m never going to hold,

lets drink more wine.

in wine there is wisdom

sitting in this small room,

full of canvases,

same facing me some facing to a wall

and cheap bottle of red wine,

in my hand,

drinking again,

trying to find a soul again,

in wine,

in wisdom,

writing poetry again,

because there is nothing to do,

there is no one to talk,

and the ones who is around,

are too sane

that they seem insane,

caring about money and nothing else,

working 12 hours and coming home

and having a cup of tea before bed,

how can they understand my

suffering caused by unable to create,

they dont create,

they are machine like creatures

who came to life by

accident..

and there is no meaning for them,

but money,

earn enough amount to live

and be happy.

im a human being,

im here to create,

and leave something that is mine,

poetry or painting,

i know though,

that they dont go together,

thats why i dont write when i paint,

and i write,

when painting is tired it self.

 

wise enough to ignore love ( stupid enough to experience it )

I was in bed with her,

fucking her around 1 am,

and she seemed dead

she seemed so dead that i came pretty quickly,

and she turned her back,

and looked for her phone,

i lied down on my back,

smoking,

thinking nothing,

and she started to play with her damn phone,

i lift my head up to see what she was doing,

in my bed,

with her phone,

and she was with lion

in my bed,

texting him and sending her pictures,

and a broken heart,

she was in my bed,

but she was with someone else,

her mind was with him,

i felt sick

and promised myself to never

fall in love again..

just like her..

One Day

there will be a woman one day
who will walk into your life suddenly
and she will sit in front of you,
and you will look at each other,
more than the words that will come out from your mouth,
she will listen,
you will listen to her,
and pay attention,
you will pay attention to everything about her,
she will be happy,
just a little,
then,
one day,
if you dont return back to your own shell,
she will be full,
of your reality
dont forget,
she is you,
but the opposite in a way,
dont forget,
she is not from here,
but from you.
just living in your life,
only when you are there,
and when you are not,
she is in her life,
doing her job
if you want to keep her,
i say, love
dive deep,
but
know to be a friends,
because she is not you.
you can only fight with yourself.

 

Ardic Agus 2014

If you forget me

5:20 am
On my way to work,
I told you
Its hard, 
Harder without you.
When all those memories of us
Of you,
plays in my mind,  on repeat
And I watch them
Looking empty into distance
The night is cold
And the sky is stary
People tired
Some are dead
Like you’re lies
That I listened
With a broken joy
And you,
Changing your mind
Like this weather of Britain
Hourly
I know its not funny
Though it is funny
How you never observed yourself
But watched and recorded
My bad side s
Into your brain
And always told me that I dont understand you
I do
I do
But do you? 
6 months of laughters and tears
A battle
Drunkeness
Love,
In bed outside bed
And me cooking for you
And watch you gaining weight
Little by little
And kiss you
Day and night
I know you love me
Because I know you
But if stop loving me
I shall stop loving you
Little by little
But
If you think about me
At nights when you put your head on your pillow
If you feel like texting me,
And knowing of im still alive
And if you regret the way you walked out of my life again
Dont worry
Im different now
And these are the last thoughts of you

Ardic AGUS 2014

if you want to be a poet, love a woman

if you want to be a poet, then love,

love a women,

like nothing else,

dive into her,

from her eyes to her soul,

touch her like your touching yourself, in a different form,

kiss her like you’re kissing god,

fear with love,

if you want to be a poet,

kill yourself while loving

and live in a details of life,

small parts,

be aware of her,

everything she says and does,

put her actions in your brain,

observe her while sleeping,

cook for her, and watch her eating,

cry with her while watching a movie,

jump in a shower with her,

and kiss her body,

wake up before her, just to watch her sleeping,

then fall back to sleep,

try opening your eyes at the same time with her,

just for that moment,

for that second,

then close again at the same time with her,

cuddle her,

when you argue,

go to her house, and wait in front of her door,

or go to her work place and wait for her,

at least 2 hours,

let her see you, and be shocked,

let her friends see you,

waiting outside,

be an idiot,

why are you scared ?

if you want to be a poet,

create experiences,

and write about them at nights,

alone

while drinking

and smoking,

while she sleeps in your heart,

be a poet.

 

Ardic Agus 2014

the secret of my endurance

I get messages from people

saying my poems are amazing,

and they like to read it,

and so on,

and some women that i dont even know,

telling me that they like me,

because of what i write,

and some hate me because i dont care about anything,

and i drink a lot,

the reason for hatred can be anything,

it can be the reason of your existence.

being yourself is not enough to them,

they like to change you into how they would like to see you

then they leave you

forever.

but always coming to check you,

seeing you while suffering makes them stronger,

and they lough at you,

for your sorrow

and sadness,

but when they are sad,

they lie to them self

and act like nothing is wrong,

having no guts for truth

having no heart for tears,

is hell,

but they dont know it.

 

Ardic Agus 2014

All the love of me goes out to her

All the love of me goes out to her,

to her fingers,

to her hair,

that ones i touched,

and to her eyes, where i watched myself,

in a dark brown place,

goes out to roads

where we have walked together

hand to hand,

sometimes laughing,

sometimes being quite,

and sometimes arguing

but always ending with love,

and thats how our love grew bigger and bigger,

because we always managed to stay together,

and kissed each other

sometimes for hours,

the world was still going,

but i didn’t bothered us

but now it has me by the throat

 

Ardic Agus 2014

 

ending

when the day come,

realize the last beat in your heart,

realize the ending,

when the day comes

it will end,

like everything else,

love ends

but something stays with in you,

something that she gave,

from her soul,

i know it will be with me,

until the last heart beat,

until the last breath,

until the last touch

and hear,

until the angel appears,

i will carry you in my heart,

on my finger tips,

i will touch you at nights,

and you come and visit me,

i will kiss you in my dreams,

the dreams are the only reality now,

i will hold you tight as always,

i will be with you,

when you are sleeping,

i will be there sitting beside you

and protecting you,

from everything

and sometimes from myself,

from my sorrow,

i will not let any sadness come near you from now on,

i will cry inside,

you wont see any tears from now on,

 

Ardic Agus 2014