everything is ok

7 months with her,

then she got pregnant,

and hated me,

which i never understand why,

lack of love

i thought,

is the only answer for me to forget her,

but

not easy,

and my friend jack,

who i went to same uni,

same class,

did art together,

and smoked..

is now going to be a dad

in couple of hours,

the woman i was with

without thinking,

without speaking,

without hearing,

listening to me,

made her mind,

and had an operation,

now I’m at jacks,

he is in the hospital,

I’m drinking,

and waiting for death,

as usual,

he is waiting for the new life

to arrive..

and as i write this,

i remember the days

when we use to tell each other,

“man, one day we both going to have kids,

and you are going to be uncle jack”

and we use to laugh and move on,

now its happening,

father jack,

with her baby daughter,

and i am, thinking of the woman,

and my baby,

that I’m never going to hold,

lets drink more wine.

in wine there is wisdom

sitting in this small room,

full of canvases,

same facing me some facing to a wall

and cheap bottle of red wine,

in my hand,

drinking again,

trying to find a soul again,

in wine,

in wisdom,

writing poetry again,

because there is nothing to do,

there is no one to talk,

and the ones who is around,

are too sane

that they seem insane,

caring about money and nothing else,

working 12 hours and coming home

and having a cup of tea before bed,

how can they understand my

suffering caused by unable to create,

they dont create,

they are machine like creatures

who came to life by

accident..

and there is no meaning for them,

but money,

earn enough amount to live

and be happy.

im a human being,

im here to create,

and leave something that is mine,

poetry or painting,

i know though,

that they dont go together,

thats why i dont write when i paint,

and i write,

when painting is tired it self.

 

wise enough to ignore love ( stupid enough to experience it )

I was in bed with her,

fucking her around 1 am,

and she seemed dead

she seemed so dead that i came pretty quickly,

and she turned her back,

and looked for her phone,

i lied down on my back,

smoking,

thinking nothing,

and she started to play with her damn phone,

i lift my head up to see what she was doing,

in my bed,

with her phone,

and she was with lion

in my bed,

texting him and sending her pictures,

and a broken heart,

she was in my bed,

but she was with someone else,

her mind was with him,

i felt sick

and promised myself to never

fall in love again..

just like her..

One Day

there will be a woman one day
who will walk into your life suddenly
and she will sit in front of you,
and you will look at each other,
more than the words that will come out from your mouth,
she will listen,
you will listen to her,
and pay attention,
you will pay attention to everything about her,
she will be happy,
just a little,
then,
one day,
if you dont return back to your own shell,
she will be full,
of your reality
dont forget,
she is you,
but the opposite in a way,
dont forget,
she is not from here,
but from you.
just living in your life,
only when you are there,
and when you are not,
she is in her life,
doing her job
if you want to keep her,
i say, love
dive deep,
but
know to be a friends,
because she is not you.
you can only fight with yourself.

 

Ardic Agus 2014

The lonely man sitting in the living room

he is watching tv

and laughing,

all alone,

nothing else to do,

but laughing at his pain,

wise, i guess.

but sad,

all he did was

working his ass off,

then lost his wife,

looked after 3 kids,

still does,

watch tv

laugh,

luagh,

even when there is nothing to laugh about,

what a waste of life,

caused by his children,

its his fault,

his mistake,

but he didnt know about it,

he never questioned it.

now he is who he is,

a lonely man

suffered much,

and still does,

and laughs

Ardic Agus 2014

In my heart

many people visited my heart,

some stayed for few weeks

and some for few months,

some quickly went because they didn’t like it,

the last visitor of my heart, has locked her self in

accidentally,

without wanting to,

but she did,

and the doors of my heart will not open again,

forever,

and something from her will always stay in there,

until this heart gets old and becomes a clay again

then she will be free,

but she will never be able to forget her place,

this heart,

where she lived,

not for too long,

but alone.

 

Ardic Agus 2014

 

Heart of a woman

i see hearts as a hotel rooms,

the more expensive the room,

the less people come and stay,

the cheap the room is,

the more people

stays in,

cheap hearts are

nothing but full of experience,

in a way good,

but not pure,

not pure anymore,

the heart,

the smell of the room,

the space is dark and messy,

there are names scratched to walls,

by forced,

i need a woman, with a pure heart,

untouched,

unhunted,

undisturbed much.

Ardic Agus 2014

Tonight

the night is cold,

like her heart,

far away from me,

tonight,

tonight the night is darker than ever,

and lonelier tonight

everyone

more than ever,

though her heart is the loneliest,

tonight,

i can drink

and write the saddest lines,

i can drink more than ever,

because tonight im not alone,

here in this house,

there is her, here in my heart,

and my sadness, sitting next to me ,

and the memories are inside me,

inside my skull,

and some are in my heart,

trying to stop its beating,

unlucky that little poor heart,

it wont stop beating for little more,

im tough,

im tough

but there is some weakness in there too,

and that weakness is weaker than ever,

tonight

tonight

tonight.

 

 

Ardic Agus 2013

2 candles and a bottle of wine

Empty streets

After walking around in soho,

seeing so many faces,

some are confused

some are happy

some empty

some hopeless, 

some lonely

i’ve realized,

those streets are always been empty

like a sunday morning,

4 am

when nobody is there

or saturday night

11pm when every one is just passing,

streets doesnt belong to people

but people belong to streets,

and those streets are

full of spirit,

and energy,

full of emotions,

those street has emotions

more than you and I,

as we pass through,

we leave something from us,

some sort of feeling,

that grows the spirit of those streets,

soho is nothing without its people,

and people are nothing without

soho’s spirit,

without people that belong there

life is a being,

that has, humans in it,

in its guts  

 

 

© 2013 Ardic Agus